Life Insurance for the Junkyard Mutt

[HoundDawg]

Me and the little missus has been talkin' about life insurance lately and today was the day I was fixin' to pull the trigger.

Ever since I tied in with Ed, Kevin and CB my wife keeps bringing up the subject of life insurance. I had to get a new policy since my old one got cancelled after that "incident" in ShipRock, NM with those three gals that Ed picked up. I guess the medical bills and treatments is what got me cancelled.

Anyhoo, my agent calls me and says he'll meet me to fill out an app. I told the 'ol ball 'n chain, "I'll be back sweetie pie, Dawg's goin' to get hisself some life insurance. Be back in 20."

Met the agent down at the Trails End cafe, exchanged some pleasantries and dove right into the application. I'm workin' on a piece of cherry pie while he's a firin' questions at me.

I ain't kiddin' boys, I was acin' this test bigtime!! Ain't done so good on a test since the mental competancy deal the court made me do to see if I was fit to stand trial.

So I'm flyin' along and the wife is just countin' the money cuz I got this baby in the bag... and then the roof caved in. He starts throwin' out questions that no houndsmen on the planet is gonna answer!! I was setup, I was framed, I was robbed, cheated and humiliated!!!

I ain't kiddin' boys, try these questions on for size....

1) Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
2) Have you ever been treated for alcoholism or has a doctor ever recommended you quit drinking?
3) Have you ever been treated for a social disease or tested HIV positive?
4) Have you ever had your drivers license revoked?
5) Have you ever been treated for or diagnosed with a mental illness?
6) Do you drink alcohol or use tobacco in any form?
7) In the past 5 years have you had multiple sexual partners?
8) Is there a history of mental illness in your family?
9) Do you mountain climb or rodeo? I shityounot, this was a real question!!! I had to think long and hard about that one after packing those 3 elk off the mountain in the dark this past fall. What do they mean exactly by "rodeo"...??

Then if that wasn't enough, he started throwing out all this jargon and BS at me... I'm not sure what language he was talkin' but it damn sure wasn't english.

He keeps askin' about "assets and liquid assets"... and "net worth and savings or retirement"... What the hell does any of that stuff have to do with catchin' lions or bears? Tell me that!!

It ain't lookin' good. He told me generally the underwriters prefer to see at least a 20% pass rate on the questions, but that 16% wasn't bad for a guy that feeds a pack of dogs year round.

I guess I can sleep easy at night knowin' that I might not have life insurance, but if y'all got the same questions asked none of you toothless inbreds will have life insurance neither!!!

Which reminds me... any of you boys know if poachin' is a felony? Say they catch me shootin' a few of those sheep on Timp, just for camp meat mind you... is that considered a felony?

Cuz I really don't want #4... the trifecta is plenty for me.

Kev, CB, Ed... go easy on me boys. I'm what they call "Uninsurable" or somethin' like that...

-Junkyard Mutt "Puttin' the un..able in Uninsurable"

 

[Kevin D]

Don't know what's so hard about that test Dawg, hell I answered yes to all of them questions!

But I'm still suspicious anytime my wife pushes a life insurance form my direction, I'm already walking a fine line with the little missus as it is, and even the slightest nudge might get her to pull the trigger on me next time I get fired from another job, come stumbling home late from Hawns, show up with a new dog, or call her to bring the rent money again to post bail. If she thought she could get a cash reward by sending me to the hereafter, well, I'm afraid it would be a no-brainer for her.

So you might want to watch yerself there Dawg, could be that somethings up. You don't suppose one of them Payson Black and Tan boys is putting her up to this do you???

 

[NVBighorn]

Oh man, be careful. Last time I had a chance to increase my life insurance I caught my wife under my truck "checking out the brakes". She said she was just looking out for my safety but that hacksaw made me nervous. It's a cinch I'm worth more to her dead than alive. That doesn't take much I guess.

Apparently my life insurance guy hasn't caught on to the "uninsurable" part yet. I always lie on those tests and get the urine sample from the dog.

 

[Kevin D]

NVBighorn senses it too Dawg, what woman wouldn't be better off with $500,000 in the bank and one less smelly houndsman in her bed?? And it ain't like you'd be too hard to replace either, like you said, any houndsman's wife could go in to any bar in America, hook up with the first guy at the bar, and be better off than she is now (though you might want to exclude Randy's Saloon in Cortez, Colorado from your list, there's too great a risk that the person at the end of the bar might be bluehair!!

You say all this talk of life insurance started after you started hanging with me, Ed, cb and the MM gang??? Maybe it isn't them Payson Black and Tanners behind this little scheme afterall, it is a bit too clever for them. Maybe it's one of us plotting with your wife to get you removed! My guess is it's cb with his Clint Eastwood good looks (though what does he need with another $500,000). Or perhaps its Ed with bearskin speedo and his redneck charm (but he lives several hours away). Maybe catmando is the culprit, at 6'6" his stature might not be the only big thing about him. Or Kattraxx, now there's a clever chap capable of mischief. Or NVBighorn, he's been hanging around quite a bit lately. Or fishon looking to raise money for the SFW. Or Waycool looking to take over your Sam dog. And where the hell's Stuck been lately......I think you get my drift.

I dunno buddy, it seems like there's a lot of eyes on your backside, you best be careful.

p.s. Founder, I may have just stumbled onto a plot to terminate the Dawg, if that don't qualify me for the free elk hunt, I don't know what does!!

 

[HoundDawg]

It appears Kevin was right... there was a plott to kill the 'ol Dawg and the first attempt failed.

I don't know who would want to hurt me, but a drive by shooting narrowly missed me today. One bullet went true, but fortunately I always carry a Bible in my front shirt pocket and the bullet meant for my mean, dark heart instead got the Bible.

It was about a 1972 Ford Courier truck, all rusted out, with Colorado vanity plates that said, "BlueHr"... If anyone has any info please come forward.

This has me worried and wondering who might want to do me in. I have compiled a short list of possible people who might want to hurt me.

1. Fishon or Grand Slam (for me chasing their sheep around all summer and shooting at them with my .300)

2. CB (He's never forgiven me for exposing the Plott/Weiner dog attempt to take over the world)

3. Catmando (A frustrated undercover Fishcop who has never gathered enough evidence for my 4th conviction)

4. StuckinCa (Just to vent all the road rage anyone from California has from driving down there)

5. Peta (Because CWMU's are trying to overthrow the free world, and I'm a known associate of a person that once hunted a CWMU)

6. Kevin (Would do anything to get ahold of one of my blueticks)

7. Ed (My life insurance policy would almost cover his gambling and pimp debts in Gallup)

8. PumaGuy and Mulehound (If you had to ride donkeys around all day in the ledges following cur dogs you'd wanna kill someone too!)

Man, this is just the shortlist... It almost seems like the only guy on my side I can really trust is 'ol Bluehair. I know he's forgiven me for telling his wife about his 4 girlfriends in ShipRock.

Looks like it's time for the witness relocation program. Maybe they could set me up as a dog jockey up in Idaho selling line bred Walkers... that way no one would ever bother me or find me. ;-)

-Dawg

 

[catmando]

DAWG, I've got a place that we can protect you from everyone, but those that you would be living with.

You would be able to do some "line breeding" but it wouldn't be with any dogs.;-)

You might even be able to hook up with quail_runner in here. He might even have some friends he could "line" you up with.

Later, Doodoo.

 

[Kevin D]

I've always been curious about your job catmando, when they let you out for work release, do you just walk across the hall? Or can you run down to 7-11 and get you a cup of coffee first??

 

[catmando]

No 7-11 down here my brother, only TopStop, and no that isn't the local topless club.

Actually I have a nice quiet drive through the country to my home.(Home, what home, what the hell was I thinking, more like tornado shredded shack.) Just think though, four more years of this work release thing and I will be released after a twenty year sentence.

Then I will be free to finish gathering evidence on the massive poaching ring that I have become associated with on this site!!

;-)

 

[Bluehair]

LAST EDITED ON Jan-27-03 AT 02:35PM (MST)[p]LAST EDITED ON Jan-27-03 AT 02:25?PM (MST)

Aw shucks. Dawg, you should know I wouldn't do anything like that. Between intense laziness, running my pack of gal's down here in Shiprock, the demands of chronic alcoholism, and remaining on step ahead of the local lawmen, I simply don't have time for new hobbies.

I'm sad to hear of the unsuccesful attempt on your life. I sincerly hope you catch the barstage who tried to do you in. BTW, your kids are doing fine.

And Kevin, that's Rusty's in Dove Creek. You're likely to get stuck with a shiv, but it's a hell of alot better than what they'll try to stick you with at one of them gay bars in Cortez. At least that's what Dawg told me.;-)

Oh, one more thing. I drive a Volvo with a bicycle rack on top.

Bluehair, putting the "RE" in rehabilitation.