Need some advise!

M

moonlight

Guest
Hey all,
I need a little advise, and figured that this would be a good place to start. Here is the situation. I have been hunting since I was first able to. I love it. I have been married for three years now. My wife knows I have a passion for chasing mule deer and elk and realizes that she is never going to change that. In fact, since we got married, she has even been putting in for tags with me. Well, we finally drew deer tags this year. She has been very excited about going, but there seems to be a problem. You see, she has never hunted anything. I have been helping her "study" her shot placement for the last few month's. We have been looking at all of my hunting magazines and I will ask her where she mould try and shoot this buck or that bull. If she chooses the wrong spot, I will correct her. We have been doing this, as well as shooting deer shaped targets. Everything seemed to be fine, until last night. We started going through the magazines last night and it was like we had never discussed any of this before. She was picking spots that were way off the mark. Then she started crying and said that now that she has had a baby ( our daughter is ten month's old), she doesn't think that she can kill something. I told her that I didn't care if she killed something. She said that she didn't want to talk about killing anything anymore and went to the bedroom and closed the door. I felt bad, but more confused than anything. It has always been her idea to put in for hunts. I have never forced her to hunt. I will admit that I was greatly looking forward to her joining me in something that makes me so happy, but I would never force her to do something that she was uncomfortable with. Later that night, she told me that she really was looking forward to going hunting, she just didn't know whether or not she would be able to pull the trigger when the time came. I told her that I understand and would think nothing less of her if she let the biggest buck in the woods walk away because she couldn't pull the trigger. I then told her that if she was going to goi into the woods with a gun and the intent to kill a deer, she needed to continue to look at different scenarios and shot placements. She said that she would rather just go and if the time came and she felt that she could do it, talk about placement then. I didn't want to push the issue anymore that night, but I had a problem with what she said. I want her to understand that as a hunter, we owe it to the animals to make a quick killing shot, and that that only comes with knowing where to place the bullet, but I feel like the more that I push this with her, the more I am pushing her away from going hunting at all. I don't want that to happen. So, what would you do in the same situation? Any help would be appreciated. P.S. sorry this is so long winded.
 
I would say let her take it at her own pace. When she goes with you and she expresses interest in shooting something, it will not be in a split second situation. She will want to shoot something when there will be plenty of time to talk her through it.

Don't push her though. My wife wanted to go hunting with me right after we got married 11 years ago and I pushed her too hard physically and she got heat stroke. If I could take that trip back I would. She has absolutely no interest in going now.
 
Sounds to me you pushed it a bit too hard already and it doesnt seem like she is getting any enjoyment out of it. I took an opposite tact with my girlfiend and now wife.

We would spend alot of time plinking cans and just having a good ole time with .22's. She enjoyed it enough that she got her own .22 and we started doing rabbit hunts and whatnot. I then moved up to her shooting my .22-250 at targets and stuff and she thought that was alot of fun. I dont remember her killing anything but she had fun. During all of this I was deer hunting, elk hunting etc and sometimes I brought her along, sometimes not.

Eventually I asked if she wanted to try deer hunting and she did. We then started with the magazines and stuff like you, showing where to aim etc etc. She had a good handle on it and was able to bag her first buck with my .50 cal muzzleloader, a small 2pt. I was extremely positive over it and she came away from the experience very positive and excited. That christmas she got a .243 and a 3x9 Leupold scope. The next year she again harvested another buck, then another... then we expanded our "couples hunting" to include WY antelope, Caribou in Alaska etc etc. From the time she got her first buck till now, only a single year has she not harvested a deer (but she did get 2 antelope that year).

I then got her a .30-06 (bought it from muzz lol, still a great gun) and she bagged a nice 3x3. This year I've kinda been hinting to get her to hold out for an even bigger deer, although shes pretty much happy with anything. I'd also guess this will be her first year harvesting an elk if all goes well.

Bottom line, she has to be excited about it... it appears your wife currently isnt. I'd back off and maybe just try some plinking. If she truely doesnt want to hunt well not much you can do, at least she is accepting of your desire to hunt.


-DallanC
 
That is the thing, I don't feel like I have pushed it at all. It was her decision. We do plink, and shoot sage rats together. She does enjoy it. She says that she is really excited about going, but when we start to discuss what it takes to humanely kill an animal, she gets upset. She still tells me that she wants to go. I want her to be prepared so that if she does decide that she can take the shot, she will do so successfully. My question is how can I do that with out pushing her away from it altogether? As far as me pushing it, I have to say that I have not done so an any way. I am just trying to do all that I can to make sure that she is ready if she wants to take the shot.
 
I agree with DallanC.

Let it go.

You already know that her stance on the issue is different. Her new way of reasoning is truly justified with the birth of the little one. Birth and death go hand in hand, but she wants nothing to do with killing right now since she subconciously associates it with her baby.

It will be hard for her to watch your hardcore excitement if you do bag a buck. She will look at it like you "enjoy killing things." You and I know that's not how we look at our harvesting of animals. We have respect for the animal as you have shown with the importance of proper shot placement. We know that in some cases, the animal is dead before it hits the ground. That's the scenario in a kill that we all want and strive for. Again, she would just see it as killing.

It would ruin your experience and it would ruin hers.

Let her know she can come when she feels more at ease with shooting and killing an animal, whether she does it or someone else does. Only time and more shooting experiences will do that. Start her off with small game first. Make a harvest feast and celebration with the game and let her get accustomed to knowing where the meat came from and how.

Sorry this is so long but I feel your pain and can see you feel like you're between a rock and a hard place.

Regards,
Chef

"I Love Animals...They're Delicious!"
 
Just leave it alone for awhile and let her decide when she wants to start talking hunting again. Don't push it or you might push to far. Do your thing and let her have some space.
 
I think you are making the shot placement discussion too dificult. A deer isn't a tank. It has a bread basket any bullet in it kills it. The caveat being that if she's a might undergunned (.243) through shoulder bone shots aren't advised. Just Narrow the options down to what she can do.

No neck or head shooting. No straight away or steep quartering shots. Narrow it down to broadside or near broadside and you have a nice pie plate target to work with. Anything but that presentation for her and she lets the animal walk. 100 yards and in, maybe 150?

Thing is, I'd bet the issue is a whole lot less about shot placement than about killing a large animal and then the process work. I'd take her with me, hunt together. Let her witness the hunt and get my pointers and see me do the gunning. She can carry a rifle if she likes. If after that she's cozy with the whole thing she considers being the gunner. I'd hate to have her follow through on the trigger (to please me) and then be horribly remorseful. Anyhow, I think the shot placement is easily addressed it's the killing and mental preparedness that hangs em up.
 
Took my wife on her 1st rifle hunt last year opening morning she made a 340 yrd shot on a 2point with her 243 took it's heart right out the other side, this year I bought her a bow she missed a small buck the 1st night of her hunt, the next day I took her up to the top of the moutain on foot 2.7 miles up hill she had 3 days left to hunt but when we got back to the trailor she wanted to go home she was physicaly done. I pushed her way to hard, and for that we came home 3 days early and now she want's to go back to shooting 2 points out of the truck :( owell I'll keep the stick hunting to myself and enjoy a oct rifle hunt with her for now on.
 
The caveat being that
>if she's a might undergunned
>(.243) through shoulder bone shots
>aren't advised.

LOL, I'll post if we ever recover a 100grn nosler partition from an animal. As of yet over 15 of them taken with .243s and not a single bullet failed to completely penetrate the animal, not a single one unrecovered. Yes there are better rounds out there (7mm-08) for small shooters but 243's are very capable guns.


-DallanC
 
"As far as me pushing it, I have to say that I have not done so any way. I am just trying to do all that I can to make sure that she is ready..."

Kind of a two sided statement, first off, SHE decides whether or not your pushing too hard, and based on her emotional outcry, it sounds like you have. Let it go. Sounds like you have talked about it. Don't worry about her shot placement, if she was clever enough to cover up the right answer, then obvioulsy she know's what IS right, and she'll do fine.

This isn't a problem that only womaen have, heck, until the first time I pulled the trigger I had second guessed my own ability to kill something the same size as me. It's much different from shooting sage rats and upland critters. These large mammals have all the same anatomy we have, they have personality, and all that may be difficult to handle. I shard the same fears when my lil' bro was coming up. I was there when he popped his first cap. We we're driving down the road and a buck bounced across. Before I could advise he was out of the rig, up on a knoll, and proned out squezing off shots...the predator was unleashed. Its not the case for everyone. Another hunting partner took his boy out and it seems he was never a good shot. Missed deer at all yardages broadside as a 40' trailer. He was missing on purpose because he just couldn't do it but didn't have the heart to tell his overbearing Dad....

baby steps my frined, baby steps.

thumb2.jpg


Take er easy
five_point_buck
AKA Larry Pasero Jr.
 
good advice guys. just my two cents. Sounds like she was really trying to please you. I know that sounds bad but let me explain. She sees how much excitement you draw from or how passionate you are about it. Women have weird things going on up stairs. Sounds like she felt like she may have been in competion with the hunting and by hunting with you, she would be in that inner circle. or at least that it is what mine has told me. she said she never has seen anyone light up about anything more than me when i start talking about hunting. she said she wished i showed as much feeling for her all the time as i did hunting. i know, i know that is weird but remember women have this super alien ability to read what is known here on earth as "emotions" kinda like dogs with high pitched sounds. both totally inaudible or invisible to male human. i think all these guys are right, start slow and easy.patience my friend let her bring it up. Also just a note women have a lot of things going on especially within the first year after child birth. With hormones and such. mine had post pardum depression 9 months after my daughter was born. it wasnt pretty. we got her balanced out and all is fine. boy there are some stories there. could that be it maybe??? anyway, I take her out shooting like these guys said and took her on her first hunt last year. I didnt even plan on shooting anything that day just let her take it all in. wanted to start of by showing her her that it was okay to come in empty handed and the best part of it was just being there.I had help with her making the transition quickly though my cousin's wife was there and she loves to hunt. they of course talk and it eased my wife's mind. she is up to level two now. i will possibly let her take a doe if she wants. if not it is fine.
know any other women that hunt? women can explain things to other women that they dont feel comfortable telling men. Thus men seem to be coming across as over bearing or pushy because WE DON'T LISTEN !! we hear words coming out but we dont process those words to make clear the woman's concerns or point. we only see our view and sell on it hard. right or wrong? let her set the pace. sorry to ramble.
 
Don't know if I'm qualified to respond or not. I've been married for 38 years. I was a big time hunter when we met and still am. I have never taken my wife hunting nor has she ever expressed an interest in going.
Having said that, I asked my wife to read all the above questions and responses.

Her first thought was it would be pretty hard for her to get too involved on a hunting trip with a 10 month old along, unless it would be just for the day and you had a sitter, or had someone along to watch the baby. OK that seems obvious.

Since your wife seems to have some mixed emotions about the whole thing, my wife was curious who you normally hunt with. Do you normally hunt with people she doesn't really care for? Are there any trust issues? Hey, please don't blame me, these are her questions.

For quite awhile after we were married, my wife was afraid to stay alone while I was gone. She didn't tell me about it for a long time because she knew how much I loved going. We now have a good security alarm system, and sometimes our daughter and grandchildren come and stay with her. Could this be an issue?

My wife wants me to say she really liked all the responses that have been offered. There seem to be some really great guys on this site!

Thought you might like some input from a womans perspective, even though she is not a hunter.
Good luck,
Steve
 
what I did with my wife, I took her to Colorado, and had her watch me take a deer and feild dress it to see if she would ever hunt, that was a big no-way for her, and no big deal for me or her, but she sure can cook venison...LOL...
 
I say to just have her come along w/ you on a hunt, and see if she enjoys it. Don't force her, but just ask her if she would like to accompany you (if she says no, then she says no). It's like starting out a bird dog. You take them out in the field and just let them have a great time. Don't force them to start being a professionally trained bird dog right out the gate. Just let them enjoy being out in the field, and then gradually start sharpening their skills. I know you want her to be prepared, and that's good. But I think she already knows where to shoot since she was guessing wrongly on purpose. Here's on of my favorite quotes in response to her possibly seeing you have such joy over harvesting an animal.

"Hunting is an escape that is necessary for man as a form of preservation of his sanity. It is a pursuit that man alone follows as an avocation, as a recreation, it is one of the most highly individualistic activities of men."
~ Jose Ortega Y Gasset

Michael~All Gods creatures welcome... right next to the mashed potatoes and gravy.
 
I know that his is not a laughing matter, espeically for moonlight. However, I think that all of us have gone through this with our significant others. I have been a die hard sportsmen for as long as I can remember; and made no attempt to hide it while my wife and I were dating. I had always thought how cool it would be to have my deer & elk camps with my wife going along with me. Nevertheless, this was not in the cards for my wife. Every time I would approach the subject she would simply say..."Ok, if I take up hunting or shooting with you, will you take up quilting and scrap booking?"

The answer to that question is no. I don't want to learn how to quilt and she doesn't want to hunt. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't support me for my insane passion to be outdoors playing Jeramiah Johnson. In fact, she has learned that the outdoors is my place to go and refill my tank. On the other hand, I have not interest in quilting or scrap booking. However, my wife does and I am grateful that she does. We have great records of our life together (Scrap Books) and wonderful quilts to curl up with.

Bottom line...men and women are different. Each has different things that motivate and excite them.

Sorry, I am no Dr. Phil, I just know that I like the balance that my wife and I found.

Note: She does love to camp and fish and that is enough for me.
 
A couple of thoughts. Your wife is telling you what she is "feeling". Emotion. You may or may not find a logical cause and effect. Like the one guy said, she has monthly hormonal changes as well as the radical emotional and body/hormone/chemistry changes of child birth.

It could be a result of something totally unrelated that has affected her self confidence. Job, relatives, friends, perhaps your relationship has changed a little.

Gently encourage her to talk about it when she can. As she talks you will come up with a solution to the problem and will want to interupt her with your findings. At that moment, staple your lips tightly shut, give her a kiss, and ask her what else she's been thinking about. Above all, listen.

Many women need to verbalize their thinking and their problems. This does not necessarily mean they are seeking solutions. Your job (and mine, and the rest of us) is to listen. When she wants a response she'll ask for it. Be patient, her conversation may go all over the place before the real stuff comes out. Don't go to sleep. Trust me on this.

And I'd be real careful with that bird dog analogy or you'll be in the dog house!
 
Great advice given so far, I think the whole issue is that in the begining it can be hard to take the life of another animal. Don't push it, let her come along and see what happens. My wife has no interest in coming hunting, can't understand why I am so passionate about it, but is willing to live with it. She is an able and willing camping/backpacking partner so I can take her scouting with me but come fall it's just me and the guys. Don't push her too much or you may lose out on an opportunity to have a great hunting partner down the line.
 
Hey Everyone,

I really do appreciate all of the advise on this topic.
When my wife told me that she wanted to hunt, I was very excited. It was exciting to me that she wanted to start doing something that I enjoy so much. As far as me pushing her to do it, I don't "feel" like I ever did, but realize that in my excitement, maybe I went a little faster than what I needed to. She tells me that she is excited about going, and I still feel like I have a responsibility to make her as prepared as possible to make a clean killing shot if she chooses to take it, but I will not force her to do it. I will also not even force her to take a gun in to the field if she choses not to. The whole issue in the beginning was how do I continue to try and get her prepared so that she can take an effective shot if she chooses to, but after reasing all of the posts, I realize that this is a much larger issue and I have learned a lot about myself and the situation that I wasn't thinking of. Thank for all the help, and hopefully we will have a great story when we get back to share with all of you.
 
Definately alot of good advice. The relationship needs to take precidence. She supports you hunting, you support her whether she hunts or not. Sounds like what has to be in almost every good marriage. I'd love my wife to hunt with me, but she has no interest. Appreciate her support in myself and the kids doing it. Am watching the same thing with my daughter. She want's to hunt, but doesn't want to hike 5 to 10 miles in mountain country. We walk a little, we talk some more, and probably miss out on some deer and elk, but my teenage daughter likes to hangout and chat with the old man, so it's well worth it. Consider a family camping/hunting trip where dad spends more time in camp than hunting. Best wishes to you and yours!
 

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