Lions on TV

[HoundDawg]

Did any of you lowlife toothless inbreds catch the show last night on TV about mountain lions?? It was sure entertaining.

Showed some idiot photographer that just roams the hills hoping to get a glimpse of a lion and film it. No tracking collars, dogs, nothing... He said he often goes "weeks and weeks and hundreds of hours between sightings"...

And they think hound guys are stupid?

The other part I loved was showing a lion that had come down and roamed around a town one morning. Some dude called the police and told them a lion just walked through his yard. It showed the Gov. trapper showing up with some walkers. They ran around in circles for awhile and then the narrator said, "Apparently the exhaust fumes from cars had wiped out the scent so the dogs couldn't smell it."

Well, if his walker dogs were anywhere closely related with my walker, they wouldn't have smelled that lion unless it had just crossed that yard 100 yards in front of them!!

Then they showed some tree hugger lady studying lions in Yellowstone. These idiots up there track with collars and go in when they have kittens and give them shots, worming, etc... Nature has taken care of this by itself for 100's of years but now we have some people that feel like we need to give vaccinations, worming medicine, etc... so the kitties can survive. I was shaking my head in amazement.

Apparently, they never read Harley Shaw when he found and handled the kittens and the mother abandoned them and left them to die. Again, and they think hound guys are the stupid ones!!

Then it showed this lady and her crew tracking a lion to collar it. They hiked around on snowshoes, found a track in the snow and then walked it out until they closed in on the lion and it ran down the hill in front of them.

Then they turned loose this big black and tan dog and it ran around in circles barking, then finally lined out and ran down the hill 200 yards and treed. When that dog was running around in circles barking, I was cursing myself for not having a video tape in and taping!!!

But the best part is the other dog they had was a bluetick. That was the one they didn't turn loose first. So I'm thinking, "If that black and tan I saw was the best dog they had, HOW STUPID IS THAT BLUETICK???!!!!"

The bluetick got very little TV time, just a little barking at the tree. So I'm thinking that it was so dumb and incompetent that even the tree huggers were embarrassed to have anyone see it in action. (Probably the father of my dogs! Damn.)

Then the part I loved most... they tranquilized the lion and were putting a collar on it, and they are all whispering to each other. I guess not to wake the sleeping kitty is all I can figure. A knocked out lion in the middle of Yellowstone with a dart in it's ass, and 3 tree huggers in their park costumes sitting around the cat whispering to each other, "It's a juvenile tom in good health." It was precious.

I finally had to switch back to the game when the lion got up and wandered off. The lady whispers to the camera, "The drug has worn off and the cat is leaving. He looks good and is walking fine."

They show the lion staggering off and it can't even stand up. It's walking about like Kevin leaving Hawn's at 2:30am headed for his '73 Ford Courier. It can hardly stand and walk. Which by then I was laughing so hard, I couldn't either.

Glad someone out there is informing the world about lions. I was gonna call that outfitter in Birdseye so he could go start the track where they left it or let his doctor client shoot it as it staggered off down the hill. ;-)

-Dawg

 

[Quail_Runner]

First off, did you know that Arizona was playing lastnight? Not to mention those other two teams, oh, their names escape me... Luke? and the Gayhawks?

Second, Why would I watch any show with lions when getting the play-by-play and color commentary from the Dawg is sooooo much better?

Good to see you make a post now and again - just steal that computer from your neighbor already....

 

[WayCool]

Good heavens.....

I just laughed so hard I pee'd my pants... and now I'm just plain pi$$ed off.... LOL !!


Steve Lithgow
http://www.waycoolkennels.com

 

[HoundDawg]

Hey QuailRunner,

Ya, I see you made probation huh? I finally got a computer setup with some internet access at the office... so when I'm in the office I can get online and spew my lies and BS.

I'd forgotten how hard it is to just make up lies on the spot and fabricate stories of my hunting prowess!! ;-)

I still want to get my own hunting show on TV. But mine will be different and much better. It won't show hunting like all the others.

It will be a show entirely about what happens before the hunt, on the way, in camp while not hunting and after the hunt...

So instead of seeing boring crap like some Easton guy shooting a grazing Zebra at 40 yards with a .500 Rigby, I'll have really cool stuff.

Like Kevin in a big fight with his wife cuz he's going hunting AGAIN on Sunday instead of watching his daughter sing in the Choir at church. Or revealing that Ed's "secret ingredient" in his Jambalaya is actually dog crap from his Plott. Or watching him hurl obscenities and vulgarities at our Gallup camp Queens for drinking his Cuervo for breakfast.

Nobody cares about watching some inbreds catch a lion or a bear with their 200 barking dogs. What people really want to watch is a stumbling drunk MuleHound and PumaGuy try to catch, saddle and climb on two mustang mules after a hard night of libations, only to realize they never leashed up their hounds the night before and the pack is gone, along with the 3 lbs of hamburger they left in the cooler.

Nobody will really remember watching CB shoot a trophy mule deer, but they'll never forget watching him try to pick up that lady in the bar later that night... the 48 year old bar queen, with a bad smokers hack that has the Karaoke machine tied up singing "Love's Been a Little Bit Hard on Me", the old Juice Newton classic. And CB attempting to deliver his proven pickup lines without slurring too bad... "Hey baby, how do you like your eggs? Scrambled, over easy, or fertilized?"

Or how about footage of WayCool trying to load up all his bear dogs in the back of his '76 Datsun B-210, the blue one with one white door? And then watching him drive the roads with his rig dog tied to the hood of his car, standing on a piece of green shag carpet...

That's the stuff people want to see. We could even do some undercover stories, where we sneak around behind the scenes. Stuff like watching Stan gut, bone out and cut up a mature bull elk in a July New Mexico day before it can spoil...

Or revealing that Catmando didn't really get out of dogs, he just has all black and tans and line bred walkers, and couldn't face the shame and humility he'd feel.

That's what I'm talking about... a REAL hunting show!! -Dawg

 

[Quail_Runner]

Dawg -

Having your own hunting show would be a hoot. I have a few suggestions for your show - show ideas

"Join us this week as the Dawg takes us on his yearly Utah deer hunt. The Dawg has a remarkable streak going - 15 years and harvesting a 180+ mule deer. These hunters know where to go, and when. You will catch all the action as the Dawg unviels his "night vision camera" in order to provide the viewer with an uninhibited view of the field. Watch his kill shot just seconds after the spotlight stops the big buck in his tracks."

or how about the following episode...

"This week, the Dawg takes us to an undisclosed location in the pursuit of the hunters prize - Sheep. Watch as the Dawg coordinates with his buddies in finding these beautiful animals via radio and bi-plane to harvest a true trophy."

or

"Join us again next week as the Dawg explains to his children why Santa brought only dog food and more radio dog collars for Christmas... again, for the 7th year in a row."

or this instant classic...

"This week on 'Huntin' Like a Dawg', the Dawg explains to us the dissapointments in the game management by various gov't entities. The Dawg interviews countless hunters and nonhunters to gain their insight, only to edit them so they agree with his. Special guests include close friend, Fishon. Watch as the Dawg takes everyone's input, including state statistics and records, and twists the truth to his advantage"

Or How about Dawg, "Winter Special"

"The winter special includes trophies mule deer hunts on winter ranges in Wyoming, Utah, and Idaho. The Dawg and his friends trudge throw 4 ft of snow in order to herd some of the biggest mule deer in the land, then draw straws on which one will shoot first. The episode includes a rare behind the scenes footage of the Dawg and his friends gutting a 210" typical buck in the back of his '74 Red Ford while the Game and Fish authorities on hot on their trail - Bo and Luke Duke would be proud of the driving skills demonstrated by the Dawg."

and finally, the season-ending cliff hanger...

"This week on an all new 'Huntin' Like a Dawg', the Dawg sits down with the gang at the local strip club to evaluate the season and plan for next years adventures. The Dawg receives a special lap dance from Jeannie, the oldest stripper in the West. At 74 years old, she stills knows the buttons to push on the Dawg. See the Dawg stagger to his car and drive home, only to be stopped by the "guy with the bright lights and attitude". The Dawg is hauled into the slammer and introduced to "Sam", his very hairy and horny cell mate. The Dawg delivers an impassioned speech in order to save his dignity, but will it be enough..."

Who could we get to sponser the show?

 

[HoundDawg]

Those are fantastic ideas QR, but I have a concern. To the casual observer that doesn't know me, one reading your post might get the idea I was a poacher.

Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, just this week I volunteered my services to the Sportsmen on Patrol organization.

I unselfishly volunteered to cover the area of Timp and keep my eye on those Bighorn sheep, as well as the lowland winter range down around Kanab.

Besides, poaching is such a harsh word. I prefer the Biblical term of "exercising dominion over the beasts of the earth"...

I'm excited for the show and I even have an idea you missed. Film the rarest of footage... a pack of wild trashy blueticks running down a large bighorn sheep ram in deep snow and pulling him down for the stretch!!! I can tell you from experience it's quite a sight to watch, but we need to capture it on film!!

Would you be interested in producing my new show? Ed is doing the coreography for the dance numbers and Kevin "I went 10 rounds with Jose Cuervo" is going to finance and narrate the project. CB is in charge of legal defense...

-Dawg

 

[Quail_Runner]

I almost forgot - The season ending episode cliff hanger will be followed by the Season premiere with the Dawg still in prison and cutting a deal with the Feds to Turn states evidence against his 'gang' on "ethical violations in the pursuit of wild game". However, the Dawg becomes a legend as the ultimate Anti-Snitch after taking the stand and denying all the statements made by the US attorneys. Then in a quick witted ending, the Dawg side steps all charges brought against him, and earns the nickname "the Wiley Coyote" by Game officials throughout the US. Thus he becomes the most infamous "pursuer of wild game" surpassing even Ryan H. (oh, did I say the 'R' word - oops). The ending credits feature the Dawg on lead vocals singing ?Who Made Who? or ?Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap? by AC/DC, with Ed skipping around the stage with his Fender guitar doing his best impression of Angus Young.

The 2nd season should highlight dog-training methods used by the Dawg. Thousands will be taking notes as the Dawg demonstrates the tracking of the 'looser' women by using old nylons hanging along side an empty can of Keystone light. He shows how a simple lion hound can retrieve even the sleaziest women in the cleanliest of places. Or, how about the Dawg training the hounds to purchase beer at the corner liquor store without even showing ID, something the Dawg and his gang mastered in Jr. High.

The Dawg?s wife will also demonstrate the training of a hound in picking up the scent of the illusive employer paycheck before the Dawg can hit the local dog track. In this heart-warming episode, see the Dawg plead for forgiveness in a drunken stupor as the gang laughs at him from inside the pick-up honking the horn.

I could go on all day, but alas, I have work to do?

BTW, I could easily produce this show ? the Production would consist of buying beer, renting a few locations (bar stool, dirty motel, jail cell, bar stool, dirty motel, jail cell, bar stool, dirty motel, jail cell, bar stool?. you get the idea) and finding a cheap attorney. Shouldn?t be any big deal getting things set up ? it's the clean up that will be difficult.

Also, "Any reference or innuendo to poaching is for comical relief only and should not be taken literally. Poaching is wrong and the Dawg and his gang strongly discourage it." (that will be shown at the end of each episode because of a deal cut with the Feds) However, in small print, the following screen will read, "because they hate competition..."