One Liners

[Gunnihunter]

Just heard this on “Carlson”, I wish it was mine, “It’s like finding a woman that cooks at a feminist rally.” Even my wife laughed. Post whatever you find funny or clever. Could be good.

 

[elkassassin]

Homer Will Own This Thread!

 

[Gunnihunter]

Homer Will Own This Thread!

Heh, what trouble.

 

[Blank]

When the wife is mowing the lawn, don’t ask when will dinner be ready??

 

[Mbogo]

Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

But that's a joke, not a one-liner.

 

[Tackdriver]

Mitch Hedberg was the best. Tons of his stuff on youtube. Very underrated. "An escalator can never really break, it can only become stairs."

 

[Tackdriver]

I used to drink alot,. I still do, but i used to too.

 

[elkassassin]

!

 

[BabyYoda]

WTching Bill Burr vids have me dying.

 

[OutdoorWriter]

Mitch Hedberg was the best. Tons of his stuff on youtube. Very underrated. "An escalator can never really break, it can only become stairs."

And I mentioned Steven Wright in another thread.

 

[DW]

WTching Bill Burr vids have me dying.

That guy cracks me up!

 

[Snoopdogg]

Take my wife please! I take her everywhere, but she finds her way home! - Ol' Henny Youngman, King of the One-Liners.

 

[BOHNTR]

“I’d hit it!”.......D13’er. ?

 

[Homer]

 

[kilbuc]

my Wife said I ruined here birthday....I didn't even know it was her birthday.

and I put three rounds into Kate McCarren

 

[Lhedrick1]

Never trust something that bleeds for a month and doesn't die.......

 

[OutdoorWriter]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

 

[Bluehair]

View attachment 35861

It is completely inappropriate to bring Michael Moore’s children into this.

 

[Snoopdogg]

Michael Moore sure does look a lot like our newly confirmed transgender Federal Assistant Secretary for Health. Do you notice you NEVER see both in the same room together? And, Moore cleverly uses a hat and glasses as a simple disguise.

I think I'm onto something here. See for yourself! Who's who?

 

[Bluehair]

Someone has to have put his head on that monkey by now.

On a sad note, I look a little more Moore-esqe every year.

 

[OutdoorWriter]

I once dated a homeless gal. It was great because it didn't matter where I dropped her off after the date.

 

[Gunnihunter]

I’m aging like a fine banana.

 

[whiteantlertip]

“How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.”

 

[OutdoorWriter]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

 

[whiteantlertip]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” Joe Biden

 

[Alwayshunting]

 

[wetmule]

View attachment 35941

A mostly successful Suez crossing

 

[elkassassin]

And That There is Your New Captain!

View attachment 35941

 

[whiteantlertip]

And Joe said is it port or starboard, I cant remember oops, come on man

 

[notdonhunting]

The ship should say USA

 

[DeerHunter53]

A smart person knows what to say.

A wise person knows when to say it.

 

[OutdoorWriter]

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 

[Alwayshunting]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she already been told twice.

 

[wetmule]

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Thankfully there are those here that know how to correct spelling & punctuation errors.

BTW - Anyone here grab a pair of Lil Nas X - human blood infused "Satan" Nike sneakers that were just released?

 

[Wiszard]

Thankfully there are those here that know how to correct spelling & punctuation errors.

BTW - Anyone here grab a pair of Lil Nas X - human blood infused "Satan" Nike sneakers that were just released?

What celebs will do these days to keep from being a one-hit wonder...

 

[Wiszard]

Hey, I wanna tell you a joke about my weiner.....well, nevermind, it's too long.

 

[OutdoorWriter]

Thankfully there are those here that know how to correct spelling & punctuation errors.

BTW - Anyone here grab a pair of Lil Nas X - human blood infused "Satan" Nike sneakers that were just released?

You're a lot more optimistic than I am, Kev.

BTW, how the hell are you? Been a long time since we've conversed. I'm trying to put a time frame on it, but can't seem to get it right in my mushy mind...how many years ago did we first meet? I'm thinking maybe in the early 1980s or so? I'm pretty sure it wasn't earlier than that because I was in Colo. from 1974 to 1979.

 

[LaGriz55]

My favorites:
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me, than a full frontal Lobotomy"

"Better to remain silent and risk being thought a fool, then to speak out of turn and remove all doubt."

A women once said to Winston Churchill: "Prime minister Churchill, I think you are a horrible man. If I were married to you I would kill myself." He answered: "Madame if I were married to you I would let you!"

LaGriz55

 

[whiteantlertip]

Guns are just like potato chips , you cant have just one

 

[OutdoorWriter]

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

 

[OutdoorWriter]

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

[whiteantlertip]

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

 

[OutdoorWriter]

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

 

[BabyYoda]

Man with hole in pocket.....

 

[Gunnihunter]

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

 

[notdonhunting]

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

So that is the problem with some on this site. ?

 

[smokepoll]

Apparently smoking dope affects your short term memory. Well if that is true, what do you think smoking dope does?

 

[kilbuc]

Just because you have a big nose doesn't men you can't wear a face mask, after all I wear underwear.

up against the wall Redneck Mother

 

[grosventrehunter]

Both are ugly men.

Michael Moore sure does look a lot like our newly confirmed transgender Federal Assistant Secretary for Health. Do you notice you NEVER see both in the same room together? And, Moore cleverly uses a hat and glasses as a simple disguise.

I think I'm onto something here. See for yourself! Who's who?

View attachment 35878
View attachment 35879

 

[elkassassin]

It Takes Me All Damn Night to do what I Use to do All Night!

 

[Gunnihunter]

At my age, flowers scare me.

 

[DeerHunter53]

You would sooner sandpaper a Bobcats ass in a telephone booth than f--k with me.

 

[elkassassin]

That May Not Be True DH53!

You would sooner sandpaper a Bobcats ass in a telephone booth than f--k with me.

 

[DeerHunter53]

That May Not Be True DH53!

They don't call me the Tasmanian Devil for nothing.......at least in my younger years....LOL

 

[OutdoorWriter]

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?*





Why did you just try singing the two songs above?*

 

[Shadow]

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?*





Why did you just try singing the two songs above?*

LOL yep. And there’s me, smiling at my phone screen, singing my ABC’s...

 

[DeerHunter53]

A couple of my Dad's one liners
Useless as the **** on boar hog
Busier than a one armed wallpaper hanger
And my favorite, Keep it up and you'll get a number 10 boot planted for spring

 

[whiteantlertip]

Back when I was young my dad would say. If your hair gets any longer boy you will have to climb a tree to take sh$%, I miss my dad he's been gone for 6 years now. He got me started hunting at 8

 

[SlowElk]

The older I get, the better I was!

 

[Bow6x6]

"I've been to a town, Del"

 

[PCPython]

I can't keep you from jumping froggy but you ain't gonna like the landing!

 

[link]

When I was a kid, my gramps would pull out his "flask", which was Canadian Mist in a plastic syrup bottle off the saddle and smile and say "My mouths dryer'n a popcorn fart on the fourth of juuuuly."

 

[PCPython]

Waitin on you is like waitin on a bull to have a calf.

 

[whiteantlertip]

What's the cheapest meat, Deer balls they are under a buck

 

[12pointer]

I'd rather owe it to you than cheat you out of it.

 

[YukonDall]

SOME BODY STOLE MY WIFE'S CREDIT CARD, BUT THEY WERE CHARGING WAY LESS THAN SHE WAS...........................SO I LET EM KEEP IT !!!!