Would have been 17 Sunday

Mooretitan

Active Member
Messages
261
Going to take a break from being on the web for awhile. But if anyone is struggling or knows someone who is - heart goes out to you.
Great pain a man lives with is know he failed.

I read this at her funeral

Thank You to everyone who is here today. My family and I are grateful to each one of you. The kind words and support have been amazing. My mother-in-law told me a couple of days ago that she has never seen anything like this. I know this town can get a bad rap but for those who live here, we understand the compassion and love that this community has for people. Whether it’s my **** Family, ***** family, ***** family, my wifes work or the church the out pour of love has helped, I am proud to be from this town. With that, I know most of you did not really know Olivia very well. I hope that I can do justice to her by telling her story the way she would want it to be told. Unedited, raw and truthful. She believed her story should be an open book.

The truth is my daughter’s life can really be broken down into 3 stages. The 1st stage was before her birth until the age of 12. My wife and I struggled to have her and the joy that she brought into our lives was amazing. She was this powerful, strong willed, spirited little girl. She naturally resisted everything we tried to do. She got out of her crib constantly; she threw her cheerios off her highchair. No matter how we disciplined her she would not change her way. Stubborn. She was not going to be told what to do. During this time, she developed a deep love for her family, especially her brother. She thought he hung the moon. He was always her rock. She would turn to him often for love and support, He just understood her. She also developed a true love for the water. It did not matter if it was a pool, a river, the ocean or just a rainstorm, it always brought peace to her. As she grew older, she grew in her faith in the Lord. Her faith was strong and unwavering. She would read her bible each night and pray for people that she hardly knew. Many times, it was for families and athletes that I coached. I was always amazed at how such a young person could care so much about people she hardly knew. I want you to know many of you here today were in her pray book. She also began to read the bible to her sisters each night. I hope her sisters will remember those times and find comfort knowing she loved them and wanted the best for them. Her teachers always told us how strong she was and how she would conquer the world. For the most part her life was pretty normal. She was just a beautiful girl who seemed to be heading towards a great life. Little did we know the battles that lay ahead.

As she started into her teenage year’s things begin to unwind. Things from her childhood that had been kept at bay were going to come out and take over her life. It was like a switch was turned on and there was nothing we could do to change the direction she was heading. It did not matter how much love was poured into her, it did not matter how hard she and her mother prayed. It would not matter the times I would beg for her to be healed. The Autism and OCD were going morph into a deadly battle with anorexia. Looking back no one could see the perfect storm that would destroy her life and create such great pain for her and my family. Anorexia would ultimately destroy her brain and take over her thoughts. I know it was a struggle for her battling the voices of self-doubt and self-worth. I remember the day that everything came to light. For anyone who has felt the great pain of a child struggling I feel for you. Holding her trembling body that day in the pool was one of the hardest days of my life. Things got real very fast. My wife and I were about to find out the difficulties of finding Olivia help. To say or mental health care system is broken in an understatement. It seemed we were turned away at every corner. Places would not take her, waiting list months long, insurance not covering, it did not seem to matter. Olivia’s strong will and refusal to seek help did not help the situation. She just could not find the words to express her pain. We took it upon ourselves to bring her back to health and at times it seemed to work. That 1st year was a rough one and then towards her 14th birthday everything took a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking completely for 3 days and we found ourselves rushing her to the hospital, where she would spend 10 days in the eating disordered unit. My poor wife having to sleep next to her each night with various doctors checking on her. My wife shielded me from the worst of it. I was the lucky one that stayed home with the kids. The things my wife endured the last 3 years would have broken me. It just hurt too much to see her in such pain. Eventually Olivia would go to an facility out of state on July 1st, 2021. Nothing prepares a parent to say goodbye to their child as they walk them through those doors. 2 months there pretty much broke her. She had been sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world. There she would face it each day. My wife would spend a month there away from us. Her being gone from us was extremely hard on everyone. To be a man and father and not help your child will be the greatest failure of my life. She eventually came home, and we tried to get back to normal. I would spend hours with her on therapy which she never wanted to do. I don’t think many knew the pain my family was going through. My children and wife were pillars of strength for Olivia. They never wavered on supporting her even when it put their own lives on hold. Olivia became a full-time job. She would relapse a few times here and there. She would go on to develop depression, anxiety, self-harm to go along with her OCD, ADD, Autism and few other health problems. She spent a few more months in different rehab centers and psych wards. It was then we were told that Olivia was not going to make it. They told us there would not be any warning, no reason, no explanation. She was just not normal, and the chemistry of her brain was too impulsive. These words were hard to hear but deep-down my wife and I knew they were right. It would be our job to keep her as safe as possible and hopefully prove them wrong. It would be come all eyes on Olivia. Doors off, no locks on anything, everything kept in safes, body checks, medicine, sleeping next to her. It became the routine. And even then, we could not keep her completely safe. I remember the countless times I would have to tend to her wounds. Nothing can ever heal your soul for the pain I was watching her endure. She was such a lost little girl. Once the most powerful force I knew was a shadow of herself. I think her words say it best: “My biggest fear is that people will see me the way I see myself” It seemed she would never find peace and joy. Through all of this she turned to the Lord and asked to heal her heart and mind.

The last chapter of her life was this year. We did not know if she would even be able to attend high school. But as August approached, she made the decision to try and go. It was a struggle the 1st couple of months, and she almost did not make it and then her prayers were answered because an angle called **** came into her life. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to **** and the debt that I owe this young man for the joy that he brought into her life. I know you guys had huge plans for your future and I am sorry for the pain that you must endure but she loved you. Everyone should have a great love story and I am glad that she did. ****, you gave her strength to be herself. It wasn’t always prefect, but she has happy. She began to come back to us. Family games, Family diners, typical life. There was a new light in her eye. Again, ****, she loved you with all her heart. My wife and I use to stay up and read your text and it brought a smile to our faces. Young love is so intense and beautiful. Every time I dropped you off, she said the same thing. Dad isn’t *****the greatest and my response every time was yes, he is. You were so kind and patient with her. You gave everyone including her hope that she could make it. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could erase all your pain. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

The truth is we will never know why she did what she did. That night she went to bed she was tired but happy. We had just taken her and **** out and had plans to go the beach on Sunday. We are left with questions and no answers. But the truth is she was not meant for this world. The world is to dark and cold for someone as honest and kind as her. She did not deserve to suffer with the pain she struggled with the last 3 years. No one is. MY daughter was a powerful force but such a gentle soul. She cared deeply for everyone. She was drawn to those who were hurting, so she could lend a kind hand. She gave compliments to random strangers. She was a great writer, she loved music, she loved to challenge me, she loved her mom. She loved her brother Hunter, and all is quirky ways. She loved her nana and papa, her grammy and grandpa. She loved to read. She was honest and truthful. She asked the most awkward questions, she was a great student, she loved pizza, she loved Oreos, she loved stranger things. And man did she love her birthday. She was a real person with all her imperfections. I know most of you will leave here today and forget her which is expected. But the people that loved her will never forget. Olivia, I will hold you close to my heart, and I hope that the pain of this world in no longer with you.

I would like to end by saying Olivia I am truly sorry that my love was not enough for you. I am sorry that I was not able to erase the pain you carried. I am sorry for not knowing sooner how you needed to be loved. I know I was not always the father that you needed. I will carry this forever. I will never forget the special moments that shared together. I know every time I cast a lure into the river, I will remember our trip together. Just you and me. I will remember you every time I change the radio station. I will remember you every time I hear a wave crash into the ocean. I always thought I was trying to teach you but now that I look back it was you teaching me. It was you shaping my heart forcing me to be a better father and person. I am grateful for the last 6 months as you let me be your father again. I am grateful for your forgiveness of my short comings. I loved you, I truly did. I am sorry and hope you are at peace.
 
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WOW! This is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I just can't imagine. I can't imagine just how helpless, trapped & panicked you, your wife & Olivia must have felt. And then the anguish & pain. Hang in there & keep your chin up. What a struggle it must be. I don't know you, but I'll be thinking of you & your family. May God bless you!!
 
That was tough to read - so sorry for what you, your family, and your daughter have gone through! Thoughts and prayers for you and your family!🙏 It is obvious that you loved and cared for your daughter very much.

Definitely a good reminder to be kind to everyone you encounter - you never know what inner battle they are fighting.
 
I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you will someday know that you never failed your daughter. You were who she needed until it was time for her to leave. Thank you for reminding us all how fragile life is, how deep love should be, and how dear family is. I believe you will live with Olivia again some day and she will be perfect and happy. I believe all families can be together for eternity. You can reach out to me any time if you ever need to talk with some one. Much love to you and your family.
Kason
 
Wow, that was tough to read. Can only try to imagine how it was for you, your family and your sweet daughter. Sorry for your loss and what you all went through. Prayers sent your way. Always remember the good times and the memories. I'm sure she is in a better place and pain free now.
 
Going to take a break from being on the web for awhile. But if anyone is struggling or knows someone who is - heart goes out to you.
Great pain a man lives with is know he failed.

I read this at her funeral

Thank You to everyone who is here today. My family and I are grateful to each one of you. The kind words and support have been amazing. My mother-in-law told me a couple of days ago that she has never seen anything like this. I know this town can get a bad rap but for those who live here, we understand the compassion and love that this community has for people. Whether it’s my **** Family, ***** family, ***** family, my wifes work or the church the out pour of love has helped, I am proud to be from this town. With that, I know most of you did not really know Olivia very well. I hope that I can do justice to her by telling her story the way she would want it to be told. Unedited, raw and truthful. She believed her story should be an open book.

The truth is my daughter’s life can really be broken down into 3 stages. The 1st stage was before her birth until the age of 12. My wife and I struggled to have her and the joy that she brought into our lives was amazing. She was this powerful, strong willed, spirited little girl. She naturally resisted everything we tried to do. She got out of her crib constantly; she threw her cheerios off her highchair. No matter how we disciplined her she would not change her way. Stubborn. She was not going to be told what to do. During this time, she developed a deep love for her family, especially her brother. She thought he hung the moon. He was always her rock. She would turn to him often for love and support, He just understood her. She also developed a true love for the water. It did not matter if it was a pool, a river, the ocean or just a rainstorm, it always brought peace to her. As she grew older, she grew in her faith in the Lord. Her faith was strong and unwavering. She would read her bible each night and pray for people that she hardly knew. Many times, it was for families and athletes that I coached. I was always amazed at how such a young person could care so much about people she hardly knew. I want you to know many of you here today were in her pray book. She also began to read the bible to her sisters each night. I hope her sisters will remember those times and find comfort knowing she loved them and wanted the best for them. Her teachers always told us how strong she was and how she would conquer the world. For the most part her life was pretty normal. She was just a beautiful girl who seemed to be heading towards a great life. Little did we know the battles that lay ahead.

As she started into her teenage year’s things begin to unwind. Things from her childhood that had been kept at bay were going to come out and take over her life. It was like a switch was turned on and there was nothing we could do to change the direction she was heading. It did not matter how much love was poured into her, it did not matter how hard she and her mother prayed. It would not matter the times I would beg for her to be healed. The Autism and OCD were going morph into a deadly battle with anorexia. Looking back no one could see the perfect storm that would destroy her life and create such great pain for her and my family. Anorexia would ultimately destroy her brain and take over her thoughts. I know it was a struggle for her battling the voices of self-doubt and self-worth. I remember the day that everything came to light. For anyone who has felt the great pain of a child struggling I feel for you. Holding her trembling body that day in the pool was one of the hardest days of my life. Things got real very fast. My wife and I were about to find out the difficulties of finding Olivia help. To say or mental health care system is broken in an understatement. It seemed we were turned away at every corner. Places would not take her, waiting list months long, insurance not covering, it did not seem to matter. Olivia’s strong will and refusal to seek help did not help the situation. She just could not find the words to express her pain. We took it upon ourselves to bring her back to health and at times it seemed to work. That 1st year was a rough one and then towards her 14th birthday everything took a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking completely for 3 days and we found ourselves rushing her to the hospital, where she would spend 10 days in the eating disordered unit. My poor wife having to sleep next to her each night with various doctors checking on her. My wife shielded me from the worst of it. I was the lucky one that stayed home with the kids. The things my wife endured the last 3 years would have broken me. It just hurt too much to see her in such pain. Eventually Olivia would go to an facility out of state on July 1st, 2021. Nothing prepares a parent to say goodbye to their child as they walk them through those doors. 2 months there pretty much broke her. She had been sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world. There she would face it each day. My wife would spend a month there away from us. Her being gone from us was extremely hard on everyone. To be a man and father and not help your child will be the greatest failure of my life. She eventually came home, and we tried to get back to normal. I would spend hours with her on therapy which she never wanted to do. I don’t think many knew the pain my family was going through. My children and wife were pillars of strength for Olivia. They never wavered on supporting her even when it put their own lives on hold. Olivia became a full-time job. She would relapse a few times here and there. She would go on to develop depression, anxiety, self-harm to go along with her OCD, ADD, Autism and few other health problems. She spent a few more months in different rehab centers and psych wards. It was then we were told that Olivia was not going to make it. They told us there would not be any warning, no reason, no explanation. She was just not normal, and the chemistry of her brain was too impulsive. These words were hard to hear but deep-down my wife and I knew they were right. It would be our job to keep her as safe as possible and hopefully prove them wrong. It would be come all eyes on Olivia. Doors off, no locks on anything, everything kept in safes, body checks, medicine, sleeping next to her. It became the routine. And even then, we could not keep her completely safe. I remember the countless times I would have to tend to her wounds. Nothing can ever heal your soul for the pain I was watching her endure. She was such a lost little girl. Once the most powerful force I knew was a shadow of herself. I think her words say it best: “My biggest fear is that people will see me the way I see myself” It seemed she would never find peace and joy. Through all of this she turned to the Lord and asked to heal her heart and mind.

The last chapter of her life was this year. We did not know if she would even be able to attend high school. But as August approached, she made the decision to try and go. It was a struggle the 1st couple of months, and she almost did not make it and then her prayers were answered because an angle called **** came into her life. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to **** and the debt that I owe this young man for the joy that he brought into her life. I know you guys had huge plans for your future and I am sorry for the pain that you must endure but she loved you. Everyone should have a great love story and I am glad that she did. ****, you gave her strength to be herself. It wasn’t always prefect, but she has happy. She began to come back to us. Family games, Family diners, typical life. There was a new light in her eye. Again, ****, she loved you with all her heart. My wife and I use to stay up and read your text and it brought a smile to our faces. Young love is so intense and beautiful. Every time I dropped you off, she said the same thing. Dad isn’t *****the greatest and my response every time was yes, he is. You were so kind and patient with her. You gave everyone including her hope that she could make it. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could erase all your pain. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

The truth is we will never know why she did what she did. That night she went to bed she was tired but happy. We had just taken her and **** out and had plans to go the beach on Sunday. We are left with questions and no answers. But the truth is she was not meant for this world. The world is to dark and cold for someone as honest and kind as her. She did not deserve to suffer with the pain she struggled with the last 3 years. No one is. MY daughter was a powerful force but such a gentle soul. She cared deeply for everyone. She was drawn to those who were hurting, so she could lend a kind hand. She gave compliments to random strangers. She was a great writer, she loved music, she loved to challenge me, she loved her mom. She loved her brother Hunter, and all is quirky ways. She loved her nana and papa, her grammy and grandpa. She loved to read. She was honest and truthful. She asked the most awkward questions, she was a great student, she loved pizza, she loved Oreos, she loved stranger things. And man did she love her birthday. She was a real person with all her imperfections. I know most of you will leave here today and forget her which is expected. But the people that loved her will never forget. Olivia, I will hold you close to my heart, and I hope that the pain of this world in no longer with you.

I would like to end by saying Olivia I am truly sorry that my love was not enough for you. I am sorry that I was not able to erase the pain you carried. I am sorry for not knowing sooner how you needed to be loved. I know I was not always the father that you needed. I will carry this forever. I will never forget the special moments that shared together. I know every time I cast a lure into the river, I will remember our trip together. Just you and me. I will remember you every time I change the radio station. I will remember you every time I hear a wave crash into the ocean. I always thought I was trying to teach you but now that I look back it was you teaching me. It was you shaping my heart forcing me to be a better father and person. I am grateful for the last 6 months as you let me be your father again. I am grateful for your forgiveness of my short comings. I loved you, I truly did. I am sorry and hope you are at peace.
I am truly sorry for your pain and loss. My wife and I understand only too well. I pray God’s peace upon you and your wife.
 
Sorry for your loss. Your world has been upside down the past few years. No one has all the answers. I do know that someday you will see your daughter again, healed from her mortal challenges!
Continue to let the normal grieving occur. What you wrote and read at the funeral, about your precious daughter will help you, your family, and others. We can all love our loved ones better and look for those who are struggling. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family.
 
Wow, that just breaks my heart to read. I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not think you failed her, you did everything right and sometimes things are just beyond our control.
Please accept my prayers and deepest condolences to you and your family.
 
So hard to read. My youngest daughter suffers with mental illness. I’ve spent those nights laying in her bed because I just can’t leave her. She’s fighting an eating disorder now that I have no idea how to help her with but I fight for her every day. She’s made big steps and had big set backs.

It’s so hard when love is not enough. A fathers love for his daughter I believe is the most powerful thing in this world and it hurts so much thinking if that cant do it what will. Like you I will never give up.

I am sorry brother. I am so sorry for your loss
 
My heart along with the MM faithful breaks , tough to share you and your families tragedy. This fallen world is at times horrible but the good news is this world is not our home. The Bible tells us our earthly bodies are just a temporary dwelling "a tent" and our lives here a but a quickly vanishing vapor. His ways are not our ways ! Praying you and yours find His Peace which surpasses all human understanding. She just beat you to heaven. Shalom.
 
Damnit, my heart aches for you, your family and everyone else whose lives were impacted by your daughter. I hope you can find peace by the water and in knowing you will be reunited again. Sincerest condolences
 
That was tough to read, and I felt your pain. Sometimes a wire comes loose and there's nothing you can do to help. Nothing except pray for strength to help you get through it. That's a terrible feeling.
 
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I pray your pain eases, and know that she is in Heaven now.
 
That was tough to read, but so good. Prayers for you and your family. I'm going to go give my kids an extra hug.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. Many of us have experienced the same or have had family in the same situation. It is one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent. Not just during all those trials, but especially when they make the decision to move on. They are never forgotten, our love for them lasts forever, but they are now at peace and with loved ones who have gone before them. That is how we have been able to get some comfort. I have said a prayer for you and your family.
 
Going to take a break from being on the web for awhile. But if anyone is struggling or knows someone who is - heart goes out to you.
Great pain a man lives with is know he failed.

I read this at her funeral

Thank You to everyone who is here today. My family and I are grateful to each one of you. The kind words and support have been amazing. My mother-in-law told me a couple of days ago that she has never seen anything like this. I know this town can get a bad rap but for those who live here, we understand the compassion and love that this community has for people. Whether it’s my **** Family, ***** family, ***** family, my wifes work or the church the out pour of love has helped, I am proud to be from this town. With that, I know most of you did not really know Olivia very well. I hope that I can do justice to her by telling her story the way she would want it to be told. Unedited, raw and truthful. She believed her story should be an open book.

The truth is my daughter’s life can really be broken down into 3 stages. The 1st stage was before her birth until the age of 12. My wife and I struggled to have her and the joy that she brought into our lives was amazing. She was this powerful, strong willed, spirited little girl. She naturally resisted everything we tried to do. She got out of her crib constantly; she threw her cheerios off her highchair. No matter how we disciplined her she would not change her way. Stubborn. She was not going to be told what to do. During this time, she developed a deep love for her family, especially her brother. She thought he hung the moon. He was always her rock. She would turn to him often for love and support, He just understood her. She also developed a true love for the water. It did not matter if it was a pool, a river, the ocean or just a rainstorm, it always brought peace to her. As she grew older, she grew in her faith in the Lord. Her faith was strong and unwavering. She would read her bible each night and pray for people that she hardly knew. Many times, it was for families and athletes that I coached. I was always amazed at how such a young person could care so much about people she hardly knew. I want you to know many of you here today were in her pray book. She also began to read the bible to her sisters each night. I hope her sisters will remember those times and find comfort knowing she loved them and wanted the best for them. Her teachers always told us how strong she was and how she would conquer the world. For the most part her life was pretty normal. She was just a beautiful girl who seemed to be heading towards a great life. Little did we know the battles that lay ahead.

As she started into her teenage year’s things begin to unwind. Things from her childhood that had been kept at bay were going to come out and take over her life. It was like a switch was turned on and there was nothing we could do to change the direction she was heading. It did not matter how much love was poured into her, it did not matter how hard she and her mother prayed. It would not matter the times I would beg for her to be healed. The Autism and OCD were going morph into a deadly battle with anorexia. Looking back no one could see the perfect storm that would destroy her life and create such great pain for her and my family. Anorexia would ultimately destroy her brain and take over her thoughts. I know it was a struggle for her battling the voices of self-doubt and self-worth. I remember the day that everything came to light. For anyone who has felt the great pain of a child struggling I feel for you. Holding her trembling body that day in the pool was one of the hardest days of my life. Things got real very fast. My wife and I were about to find out the difficulties of finding Olivia help. To say or mental health care system is broken in an understatement. It seemed we were turned away at every corner. Places would not take her, waiting list months long, insurance not covering, it did not seem to matter. Olivia’s strong will and refusal to seek help did not help the situation. She just could not find the words to express her pain. We took it upon ourselves to bring her back to health and at times it seemed to work. That 1st year was a rough one and then towards her 14th birthday everything took a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking completely for 3 days and we found ourselves rushing her to the hospital, where she would spend 10 days in the eating disordered unit. My poor wife having to sleep next to her each night with various doctors checking on her. My wife shielded me from the worst of it. I was the lucky one that stayed home with the kids. The things my wife endured the last 3 years would have broken me. It just hurt too much to see her in such pain. Eventually Olivia would go to an facility out of state on July 1st, 2021. Nothing prepares a parent to say goodbye to their child as they walk them through those doors. 2 months there pretty much broke her. She had been sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world. There she would face it each day. My wife would spend a month there away from us. Her being gone from us was extremely hard on everyone. To be a man and father and not help your child will be the greatest failure of my life. She eventually came home, and we tried to get back to normal. I would spend hours with her on therapy which she never wanted to do. I don’t think many knew the pain my family was going through. My children and wife were pillars of strength for Olivia. They never wavered on supporting her even when it put their own lives on hold. Olivia became a full-time job. She would relapse a few times here and there. She would go on to develop depression, anxiety, self-harm to go along with her OCD, ADD, Autism and few other health problems. She spent a few more months in different rehab centers and psych wards. It was then we were told that Olivia was not going to make it. They told us there would not be any warning, no reason, no explanation. She was just not normal, and the chemistry of her brain was too impulsive. These words were hard to hear but deep-down my wife and I knew they were right. It would be our job to keep her as safe as possible and hopefully prove them wrong. It would be come all eyes on Olivia. Doors off, no locks on anything, everything kept in safes, body checks, medicine, sleeping next to her. It became the routine. And even then, we could not keep her completely safe. I remember the countless times I would have to tend to her wounds. Nothing can ever heal your soul for the pain I was watching her endure. She was such a lost little girl. Once the most powerful force I knew was a shadow of herself. I think her words say it best: “My biggest fear is that people will see me the way I see myself” It seemed she would never find peace and joy. Through all of this she turned to the Lord and asked to heal her heart and mind.

The last chapter of her life was this year. We did not know if she would even be able to attend high school. But as August approached, she made the decision to try and go. It was a struggle the 1st couple of months, and she almost did not make it and then her prayers were answered because an angle called **** came into her life. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to **** and the debt that I owe this young man for the joy that he brought into her life. I know you guys had huge plans for your future and I am sorry for the pain that you must endure but she loved you. Everyone should have a great love story and I am glad that she did. ****, you gave her strength to be herself. It wasn’t always prefect, but she has happy. She began to come back to us. Family games, Family diners, typical life. There was a new light in her eye. Again, ****, she loved you with all her heart. My wife and I use to stay up and read your text and it brought a smile to our faces. Young love is so intense and beautiful. Every time I dropped you off, she said the same thing. Dad isn’t *****the greatest and my response every time was yes, he is. You were so kind and patient with her. You gave everyone including her hope that she could make it. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could erase all your pain. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

The truth is we will never know why she did what she did. That night she went to bed she was tired but happy. We had just taken her and **** out and had plans to go the beach on Sunday. We are left with questions and no answers. But the truth is she was not meant for this world. The world is to dark and cold for someone as honest and kind as her. She did not deserve to suffer with the pain she struggled with the last 3 years. No one is. MY daughter was a powerful force but such a gentle soul. She cared deeply for everyone. She was drawn to those who were hurting, so she could lend a kind hand. She gave compliments to random strangers. She was a great writer, she loved music, she loved to challenge me, she loved her mom. She loved her brother Hunter, and all is quirky ways. She loved her nana and papa, her grammy and grandpa. She loved to read. She was honest and truthful. She asked the most awkward questions, she was a great student, she loved pizza, she loved Oreos, she loved stranger things. And man did she love her birthday. She was a real person with all her imperfections. I know most of you will leave here today and forget her which is expected. But the people that loved her will never forget. Olivia, I will hold you close to my heart, and I hope that the pain of this world in no longer with you.

I would like to end by saying Olivia I am truly sorry that my love was not enough for you. I am sorry that I was not able to erase the pain you carried. I am sorry for not knowing sooner how you needed to be loved. I know I was not always the father that you needed. I will carry this forever. I will never forget the special moments that shared together. I know every time I cast a lure into the river, I will remember our trip together. Just you and me. I will remember you every time I change the radio station. I will remember you every time I hear a wave crash into the ocean. I always thought I was trying to teach you but now that I look back it was you teaching me. It was you shaping my heart forcing me to be a better father and person. I am grateful for the last 6 months as you let me be your father again. I am grateful for your forgiveness of my short comings. I loved you, I truly did. I am sorry and hope you are at peace.
May God be with each of you!
 
Yep, when I read this the other day went right in and hugged my kids. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Prayers to you and yours.
 
My best friend and brother lost his daughter to suicide 1.5 years ago.
Your words and the way you wrote that sound exactly like my brother does when we talk. I see the pain visibly in his heart it’s so powerful you can literally see it.
You and my brother sound the same. He would have done anything for his daughter. She was 12 years old. He would pray over her every night for years. He would gladly sacrifice his own life in a second to bring her back for a day. The pain he Carry’s has to be second to none. Her name was Maddison , she died in his arms after 20 mins of mouth to mouth trying to save her life on the kitchen floor. Reading your write up and since you sound exactly like my brother does just made me sick to my stomach. I can’t believe how much you sound like my brother and talk like him.
I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you had to experience this with your daughter. The best dads hurt the worst. My brother was and is a standout dad, person / man. He completely destroyed over it all. I wonder if he will ever be able to come back from some of it.
I’m so so sorry for you. I don’t know you but I could see your pain because it’s exactly like my brothers and said exactly the same way.
Seeing pain and feeling it are diff. I don’t know how to explain that statement.
 
No words to express the sadness my heart felt when I read this.

There are things in this life we'll never understand and this is definitely one of them.

Know this though. You touched a lot of hearts by having the courage and candid honesty to share this with us. Maybe so much so it's just what someone needed to hear for a situation in their own life.

As time goes on you may have opportunities to help walk with others going through similar valleys. One's only you and your family can really understand.

You will be in our prayers.
 
Thank you for sharing your story and telling us a bit about Olivia. She sounds amazing.

I cannot imagine losing a child and the pain it must bring. For you to think of the pain of others in this time is an incredible insight into who you are as a man.

I hope you and your family can find strength in this terrible time.
 
I can't imagine your pain nor, do I want to. My family is praying for your peace and comfort. Judging by your eulogy, you are great parents and should be proud. Your daughter is blessed and I'm certain she has finally found peace. I love and cherish all of my kids but, my daughter holds a special place. I'm sure you would take her place if that was possible. Tragedies such as this, should make a person realize that our time is limited. Go love the people in your lives and try to make each day better than the last. God Bless your family.

Jim
 
I can't even imagine and thanks for sharing your story. If it helps you or someone else to post on here it is a free blessing. I know I've hugged my "littles" a bit tighter since hearing your story. God bless!
 
I’m so sorry for your loss, I wish I could hug your family, I to have an Autistic son. Olivia was a special girl, God bless her.
 
God bless you sir. I can’t fathom the pain that I know that you & your family are feeling. My heartfelt condolences for your loss. Your eulogy in honor of your daughter was absolutely beautiful & even without knowing you or your daughter, was extremely difficult to read.
 
Going to take a break from being on the web for awhile. But if anyone is struggling or knows someone who is - heart goes out to you.
Great pain a man lives with is know he failed.

I read this at her funeral

Thank You to everyone who is here today. My family and I are grateful to each one of you. The kind words and support have been amazing. My mother-in-law told me a couple of days ago that she has never seen anything like this. I know this town can get a bad rap but for those who live here, we understand the compassion and love that this community has for people. Whether it’s my **** Family, ***** family, ***** family, my wifes work or the church the out pour of love has helped, I am proud to be from this town. With that, I know most of you did not really know Olivia very well. I hope that I can do justice to her by telling her story the way she would want it to be told. Unedited, raw and truthful. She believed her story should be an open book.

The truth is my daughter’s life can really be broken down into 3 stages. The 1st stage was before her birth until the age of 12. My wife and I struggled to have her and the joy that she brought into our lives was amazing. She was this powerful, strong willed, spirited little girl. She naturally resisted everything we tried to do. She got out of her crib constantly; she threw her cheerios off her highchair. No matter how we disciplined her she would not change her way. Stubborn. She was not going to be told what to do. During this time, she developed a deep love for her family, especially her brother. She thought he hung the moon. He was always her rock. She would turn to him often for love and support, He just understood her. She also developed a true love for the water. It did not matter if it was a pool, a river, the ocean or just a rainstorm, it always brought peace to her. As she grew older, she grew in her faith in the Lord. Her faith was strong and unwavering. She would read her bible each night and pray for people that she hardly knew. Many times, it was for families and athletes that I coached. I was always amazed at how such a young person could care so much about people she hardly knew. I want you to know many of you here today were in her pray book. She also began to read the bible to her sisters each night. I hope her sisters will remember those times and find comfort knowing she loved them and wanted the best for them. Her teachers always told us how strong she was and how she would conquer the world. For the most part her life was pretty normal. She was just a beautiful girl who seemed to be heading towards a great life. Little did we know the battles that lay ahead.

As she started into her teenage year’s things begin to unwind. Things from her childhood that had been kept at bay were going to come out and take over her life. It was like a switch was turned on and there was nothing we could do to change the direction she was heading. It did not matter how much love was poured into her, it did not matter how hard she and her mother prayed. It would not matter the times I would beg for her to be healed. The Autism and OCD were going morph into a deadly battle with anorexia. Looking back no one could see the perfect storm that would destroy her life and create such great pain for her and my family. Anorexia would ultimately destroy her brain and take over her thoughts. I know it was a struggle for her battling the voices of self-doubt and self-worth. I remember the day that everything came to light. For anyone who has felt the great pain of a child struggling I feel for you. Holding her trembling body that day in the pool was one of the hardest days of my life. Things got real very fast. My wife and I were about to find out the difficulties of finding Olivia help. To say or mental health care system is broken in an understatement. It seemed we were turned away at every corner. Places would not take her, waiting list months long, insurance not covering, it did not seem to matter. Olivia’s strong will and refusal to seek help did not help the situation. She just could not find the words to express her pain. We took it upon ourselves to bring her back to health and at times it seemed to work. That 1st year was a rough one and then towards her 14th birthday everything took a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking completely for 3 days and we found ourselves rushing her to the hospital, where she would spend 10 days in the eating disordered unit. My poor wife having to sleep next to her each night with various doctors checking on her. My wife shielded me from the worst of it. I was the lucky one that stayed home with the kids. The things my wife endured the last 3 years would have broken me. It just hurt too much to see her in such pain. Eventually Olivia would go to an facility out of state on July 1st, 2021. Nothing prepares a parent to say goodbye to their child as they walk them through those doors. 2 months there pretty much broke her. She had been sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world. There she would face it each day. My wife would spend a month there away from us. Her being gone from us was extremely hard on everyone. To be a man and father and not help your child will be the greatest failure of my life. She eventually came home, and we tried to get back to normal. I would spend hours with her on therapy which she never wanted to do. I don’t think many knew the pain my family was going through. My children and wife were pillars of strength for Olivia. They never wavered on supporting her even when it put their own lives on hold. Olivia became a full-time job. She would relapse a few times here and there. She would go on to develop depression, anxiety, self-harm to go along with her OCD, ADD, Autism and few other health problems. She spent a few more months in different rehab centers and psych wards. It was then we were told that Olivia was not going to make it. They told us there would not be any warning, no reason, no explanation. She was just not normal, and the chemistry of her brain was too impulsive. These words were hard to hear but deep-down my wife and I knew they were right. It would be our job to keep her as safe as possible and hopefully prove them wrong. It would be come all eyes on Olivia. Doors off, no locks on anything, everything kept in safes, body checks, medicine, sleeping next to her. It became the routine. And even then, we could not keep her completely safe. I remember the countless times I would have to tend to her wounds. Nothing can ever heal your soul for the pain I was watching her endure. She was such a lost little girl. Once the most powerful force I knew was a shadow of herself. I think her words say it best: “My biggest fear is that people will see me the way I see myself” It seemed she would never find peace and joy. Through all of this she turned to the Lord and asked to heal her heart and mind.

The last chapter of her life was this year. We did not know if she would even be able to attend high school. But as August approached, she made the decision to try and go. It was a struggle the 1st couple of months, and she almost did not make it and then her prayers were answered because an angle called **** came into her life. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to **** and the debt that I owe this young man for the joy that he brought into her life. I know you guys had huge plans for your future and I am sorry for the pain that you must endure but she loved you. Everyone should have a great love story and I am glad that she did. ****, you gave her strength to be herself. It wasn’t always prefect, but she has happy. She began to come back to us. Family games, Family diners, typical life. There was a new light in her eye. Again, ****, she loved you with all her heart. My wife and I use to stay up and read your text and it brought a smile to our faces. Young love is so intense and beautiful. Every time I dropped you off, she said the same thing. Dad isn’t *****the greatest and my response every time was yes, he is. You were so kind and patient with her. You gave everyone including her hope that she could make it. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could erase all your pain. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

The truth is we will never know why she did what she did. That night she went to bed she was tired but happy. We had just taken her and **** out and had plans to go the beach on Sunday. We are left with questions and no answers. But the truth is she was not meant for this world. The world is to dark and cold for someone as honest and kind as her. She did not deserve to suffer with the pain she struggled with the last 3 years. No one is. MY daughter was a powerful force but such a gentle soul. She cared deeply for everyone. She was drawn to those who were hurting, so she could lend a kind hand. She gave compliments to random strangers. She was a great writer, she loved music, she loved to challenge me, she loved her mom. She loved her brother Hunter, and all is quirky ways. She loved her nana and papa, her grammy and grandpa. She loved to read. She was honest and truthful. She asked the most awkward questions, she was a great student, she loved pizza, she loved Oreos, she loved stranger things. And man did she love her birthday. She was a real person with all her imperfections. I know most of you will leave here today and forget her which is expected. But the people that loved her will never forget. Olivia, I will hold you close to my heart, and I hope that the pain of this world in no longer with you.

I would like to end by saying Olivia I am truly sorry that my love was not enough for you. I am sorry that I was not able to erase the pain you carried. I am sorry for not knowing sooner how you needed to be loved. I know I was not always the father that you needed. I will carry this forever. I will never forget the special moments that shared together. I know every time I cast a lure into the river, I will remember our trip together. Just you and me. I will remember you every time I change the radio station. I will remember you every time I hear a wave crash into the ocean. I always thought I was trying to teach you but now that I look back it was you teaching me. It was you shaping my heart forcing me to be a better father and person. I am grateful for the last 6 months as you let me be your father again. I am grateful for your forgiveness of my short comings. I loved you, I truly did. I am sorry and hope you are at peace.
Revelations 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.”

She is happy now and at peace.
 
I cannot imagine the pain that you must be feeling. I'm very sorry for the loss of Olivia.

May God bless you and your family with the fond memories you have of her.
 
There are no words, just hope and comfort for you and your family. As a father, I have thought about those situations, but can't even imagine. We have the love and the memories to take with us, even though that isn't enough comfort. God bless you and everyone.
 
I am so very sorry for your loss. A parent should never outlive their child. I had a bright young man of 17 work for me several years ago. Out going and full of life Jack was a pleasure to be around always. He chose to end it one night with a shot gun. The demons can not always be seen. I pray for you and your family.
 
"But the truth is she was not meant for this world. " Such true words for some of the most amazing children. My oldest son suffers from a variety of mental illnesses and I fear that one day our families love for him will not be enough to hold him here any longer.

"Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don't want it. What appears bad manners, an ill temper, or cynicisim is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone."
 
I am so sorry for your pain. Truly this world can be a painful and incredibly hard place to live. There are no words that can adequately express the sympathy I have for you and your situation. I hope and pray that God will continue to pour in the grace as you deal with this horribly sad tragedy. May God somehow use it for good in your life. We have a Savior that sympathizes with our grief and knows our pain. Blessings to you brother....
 
Going to take a break from being on the web for awhile. But if anyone is struggling or knows someone who is - heart goes out to you.
Great pain a man lives with is know he failed.

I read this at her funeral

Thank You to everyone who is here today. My family and I are grateful to each one of you. The kind words and support have been amazing. My mother-in-law told me a couple of days ago that she has never seen anything like this. I know this town can get a bad rap but for those who live here, we understand the compassion and love that this community has for people. Whether it’s my **** Family, ***** family, ***** family, my wifes work or the church the out pour of love has helped, I am proud to be from this town. With that, I know most of you did not really know Olivia very well. I hope that I can do justice to her by telling her story the way she would want it to be told. Unedited, raw and truthful. She believed her story should be an open book.

The truth is my daughter’s life can really be broken down into 3 stages. The 1st stage was before her birth until the age of 12. My wife and I struggled to have her and the joy that she brought into our lives was amazing. She was this powerful, strong willed, spirited little girl. She naturally resisted everything we tried to do. She got out of her crib constantly; she threw her cheerios off her highchair. No matter how we disciplined her she would not change her way. Stubborn. She was not going to be told what to do. During this time, she developed a deep love for her family, especially her brother. She thought he hung the moon. He was always her rock. She would turn to him often for love and support, He just understood her. She also developed a true love for the water. It did not matter if it was a pool, a river, the ocean or just a rainstorm, it always brought peace to her. As she grew older, she grew in her faith in the Lord. Her faith was strong and unwavering. She would read her bible each night and pray for people that she hardly knew. Many times, it was for families and athletes that I coached. I was always amazed at how such a young person could care so much about people she hardly knew. I want you to know many of you here today were in her pray book. She also began to read the bible to her sisters each night. I hope her sisters will remember those times and find comfort knowing she loved them and wanted the best for them. Her teachers always told us how strong she was and how she would conquer the world. For the most part her life was pretty normal. She was just a beautiful girl who seemed to be heading towards a great life. Little did we know the battles that lay ahead.

As she started into her teenage year’s things begin to unwind. Things from her childhood that had been kept at bay were going to come out and take over her life. It was like a switch was turned on and there was nothing we could do to change the direction she was heading. It did not matter how much love was poured into her, it did not matter how hard she and her mother prayed. It would not matter the times I would beg for her to be healed. The Autism and OCD were going morph into a deadly battle with anorexia. Looking back no one could see the perfect storm that would destroy her life and create such great pain for her and my family. Anorexia would ultimately destroy her brain and take over her thoughts. I know it was a struggle for her battling the voices of self-doubt and self-worth. I remember the day that everything came to light. For anyone who has felt the great pain of a child struggling I feel for you. Holding her trembling body that day in the pool was one of the hardest days of my life. Things got real very fast. My wife and I were about to find out the difficulties of finding Olivia help. To say or mental health care system is broken in an understatement. It seemed we were turned away at every corner. Places would not take her, waiting list months long, insurance not covering, it did not seem to matter. Olivia’s strong will and refusal to seek help did not help the situation. She just could not find the words to express her pain. We took it upon ourselves to bring her back to health and at times it seemed to work. That 1st year was a rough one and then towards her 14th birthday everything took a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking completely for 3 days and we found ourselves rushing her to the hospital, where she would spend 10 days in the eating disordered unit. My poor wife having to sleep next to her each night with various doctors checking on her. My wife shielded me from the worst of it. I was the lucky one that stayed home with the kids. The things my wife endured the last 3 years would have broken me. It just hurt too much to see her in such pain. Eventually Olivia would go to an facility out of state on July 1st, 2021. Nothing prepares a parent to say goodbye to their child as they walk them through those doors. 2 months there pretty much broke her. She had been sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world. There she would face it each day. My wife would spend a month there away from us. Her being gone from us was extremely hard on everyone. To be a man and father and not help your child will be the greatest failure of my life. She eventually came home, and we tried to get back to normal. I would spend hours with her on therapy which she never wanted to do. I don’t think many knew the pain my family was going through. My children and wife were pillars of strength for Olivia. They never wavered on supporting her even when it put their own lives on hold. Olivia became a full-time job. She would relapse a few times here and there. She would go on to develop depression, anxiety, self-harm to go along with her OCD, ADD, Autism and few other health problems. She spent a few more months in different rehab centers and psych wards. It was then we were told that Olivia was not going to make it. They told us there would not be any warning, no reason, no explanation. She was just not normal, and the chemistry of her brain was too impulsive. These words were hard to hear but deep-down my wife and I knew they were right. It would be our job to keep her as safe as possible and hopefully prove them wrong. It would be come all eyes on Olivia. Doors off, no locks on anything, everything kept in safes, body checks, medicine, sleeping next to her. It became the routine. And even then, we could not keep her completely safe. I remember the countless times I would have to tend to her wounds. Nothing can ever heal your soul for the pain I was watching her endure. She was such a lost little girl. Once the most powerful force I knew was a shadow of herself. I think her words say it best: “My biggest fear is that people will see me the way I see myself” It seemed she would never find peace and joy. Through all of this she turned to the Lord and asked to heal her heart and mind.

The last chapter of her life was this year. We did not know if she would even be able to attend high school. But as August approached, she made the decision to try and go. It was a struggle the 1st couple of months, and she almost did not make it and then her prayers were answered because an angle called **** came into her life. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to **** and the debt that I owe this young man for the joy that he brought into her life. I know you guys had huge plans for your future and I am sorry for the pain that you must endure but she loved you. Everyone should have a great love story and I am glad that she did. ****, you gave her strength to be herself. It wasn’t always prefect, but she has happy. She began to come back to us. Family games, Family diners, typical life. There was a new light in her eye. Again, ****, she loved you with all her heart. My wife and I use to stay up and read your text and it brought a smile to our faces. Young love is so intense and beautiful. Every time I dropped you off, she said the same thing. Dad isn’t *****the greatest and my response every time was yes, he is. You were so kind and patient with her. You gave everyone including her hope that she could make it. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could erase all your pain. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

The truth is we will never know why she did what she did. That night she went to bed she was tired but happy. We had just taken her and **** out and had plans to go the beach on Sunday. We are left with questions and no answers. But the truth is she was not meant for this world. The world is to dark and cold for someone as honest and kind as her. She did not deserve to suffer with the pain she struggled with the last 3 years. No one is. MY daughter was a powerful force but such a gentle soul. She cared deeply for everyone. She was drawn to those who were hurting, so she could lend a kind hand. She gave compliments to random strangers. She was a great writer, she loved music, she loved to challenge me, she loved her mom. She loved her brother Hunter, and all is quirky ways. She loved her nana and papa, her grammy and grandpa. She loved to read. She was honest and truthful. She asked the most awkward questions, she was a great student, she loved pizza, she loved Oreos, she loved stranger things. And man did she love her birthday. She was a real person with all her imperfections. I know most of you will leave here today and forget her which is expected. But the people that loved her will never forget. Olivia, I will hold you close to my heart, and I hope that the pain of this world in no longer with you.

I would like to end by saying Olivia I am truly sorry that my love was not enough for you. I am sorry that I was not able to erase the pain you carried. I am sorry for not knowing sooner how you needed to be loved. I know I was not always the father that you needed. I will carry this forever. I will never forget the special moments that shared together. I know every time I cast a lure into the river, I will remember our trip together. Just you and me. I will remember you every time I change the radio station. I will remember you every time I hear a wave crash into the ocean. I always thought I was trying to teach you but now that I look back it was you teaching me. It was you shaping my heart forcing me to be a better father and person. I am grateful for the last 6 months as you let me be your father again. I am grateful for your forgiveness of my short comings. I loved you, I truly did. I am sorry and hope you are at peace.
Prayers to you and your family sorry for your loss
 
Ah man...I am so sorry that your family has had to endure such heartache. I hope you can find solace in knowing that she is in a better place....God needed her more.
 
So sorry for your loss. The pain of losing a child is one that is tough to explain. It’s a hard thing to live with but you will see her again. My condolences for you and your family.
 
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