From "Quicksand" by Bill Heavey in
Field & Stream
"Your altered brain believes these distortions. You should loathe yourself. You are weak.
Then, as the quicksand reaches your chin, depression unveils its ultimate seduction. There is a way to stop the pain. Suicide, once unthinkable, becomes not just possible but logical. At my worst, I remember standing on a subway platform, feeling the column of cool air pushing ahead of the inbound train, thinking how two steps forward would end the suffering. I couldn't tell you what stopped me. I guess I wasn?t done fighting that particular day.
A few months back, I was fishing the Potomac with a guy I know only casually, one of the best all-around outdoorsmen I've ever met. He?s a loner and supremely capable. I'm not sure why he thinks well of me, but I treasure the fact that he seems to. This day, I noticed him staring at the water as much as casting. That surprised me. I knew little about him, but I sensed the colors under which depression travels. The vacuum of emptiness and despair. We weren't tight, but we were friends. I realized that maybe this was the one place I had more experience. And that to say nothing would be a betrayal of that friendship.
I kept fishing, not looking at him, and told him my story. How it had taken too long for me to recognize my depression. The full horror it had visited upon me. My certainty that if anyone had seen the real me, they couldn't have gotten away fast enough. I told him about the subway platform. That acknowledging my depression had been the hardest thing I'd ever done but had likely saved my life. How seeking help had shown me that I wasn?t alone, that hope was real.
And then, for once, I shut up. Twice Tommy started to speak, choked it back. Finally, he croaked the words, ?How long?? Almost 40 years now, I said. ?How?d?you get through?? Therapy, medication, and a few close friends. The shadow never went away but could be controlled. But that's just me.
Hope, I thought, really is a miracle. And it's as real as the river itself."
https://www.fieldandstream.com/sportsmans-life-quicksand